Revelation 16 is the bowls / plagues chapter. It’s reminiscent of the Exodus plagues in Egypt, but on a universal scale. As I sat with it for a bit, the symbolism and apocalyptic language kind of faded away for me. What I found myself meditating on was a simple and basic idea: we decide what’s right and good in our eyes, and no one gets to say ‘no’ to me.

However we imagine the details in this scene, the core parts are straightforward—people have pursued and aligned their lives with bad things, immensely painful things are happening to them, and they cannot say something like, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” We would rather die than repent. We would choose to stay in hell on our own terms than turn to God on his. Left to ourselves, without Jesus, this is the picture of the human condition—on a collective scale but also at the individual level of experience, isn’t it?

I think back and reflect on my life and journey, and I can also recognize this at work. Before Jesus, I wasn’t able to turn from the wickedness I created and looked for and surrounded myself with. Repentance and turning from it wasn’t something I could even imagine as being right.

I thought about the first story of Solomon after he prays for wisdom, where he has to judge between the two mothers, each claiming that the remaining, living baby was theirs (1 Kings 3:16-28). While the main point of the story is to illustrate the king’s wisdom and how to administer justice, the portrait of the mother in favor of having the baby cut in half is what came to mind. She lost her child and was concerned only with resolving her inner turmoil by creating turmoil externally. At first her goal is to take from another, not caring about the effect of destruction on anyone else. In the end, she was content to deal with her pain by making another person experience and live with the same pain.

We’re like that in general, aren’t we? When we’re in the wrong we don’t want the added pain or shame of admitting and repenting—we prefer to attack and hate anyone who points it out. Our enjoyment, convenience, pleasure, and lifestyle are for us to decide, and we would do anything to anyone who would stand in opposition. We’d rather be scorched by the sun and curse God and everyone else before we reflect on and turn from our ways.

Help me, Holy Spirit, to abide in you and be still in you. Renew my mind and heart daily so that I will turn to you Jesus in all things, especially when I’ve turned away. Give me ears to hear, eyes to see, a mind to understand, and a heart to obey.