And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, “If God is with me and keeps me in this way which I am going, and gives to me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and I return in peace to the house of my father, then Jehovah shall be my God, and this stone which I have placed as a memorial pillar shall become the house of God; and all which You shall give to me, I will tithe the tenth to You. (Genesis 28:20-22, a literal translation)
Jacob is one of the characters in the Bible that I personally and strongly relate to. His story throughout Genesis is fantastical, but very familiar. As a behind-the-scenes note: about two weeks have passed since I wrote the previous sentence. Reflecting on that time, I’m reminded how similar my prayers often sound to Jacob’s vow above—earnestly seeking God but very aware and focused on my own needs, wants, and preservation.
This isn’t commentary or a critique on the prayers and motivation. It’s really just a meditation on how my life of following Jesus,—as a finite and fragile human—moves through time and space, moments I see right now, and days that will come that I cannot account for.
How very small I am in every way before God. My comfort. My clarity. My convenience. My circumstances. It’s a constant effort just to shift my heart and focus from that to, at least, my character. I think I wrestle more with my disappointments and frustrations than I wrestle with God in the struggle to become who I am called to be.
Where is my breakthrough?
And Jacob was left alone. And a Man wrestled with him until the ascending of the dawn. And He saw that He did not prevail over him, and He struck his hip-socket, and Jacob’s hip-socket was unhinged as he grappled with Him. And He said, “Send Me away, for the dawn has risen.” And he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me.” And He said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” And He said, “Your name no longer shall be called Jacob, but Israel, because you have persevered with God and with men and have been able.”
Genesis 32:24-28
I am in the season of persevering, what feels like a very long season. And while this story seems to have more clear-cut scenes, I find myself just at a loss of what to do. Instead of wrestling with God to work out becoming who He has said I have become in Jesus, I focus on wrestling with God to control my circumstances.
As I meditate on all of this, I can hear Holy Spirit teaching me that the important thing is the wrestling itself. It is in our wrestling with God, ourselves, and our world that we become shaped and changed and more of who God has called us to be. We’re not perfect in our intentions and motivations, and I suppose we’re not meant to be, in ourselves.
It is the process of wrestling with God—persevering through whatever comes, and always returning to God to grapple with frustrations, disappointments, fears, hopes, desires, and trust—that is how God is shaping me to become who He has said I’ve become in Jesus.
Holy Spirit, help me to persevere and not let go until I am blessed and walk out a life that is continually and wholly seeking, wrestling, growing, and abiding in Jesus.
